My Personal Reflections
An account of my journey of self discovery
When Your Body Finally Gets To Speak-July 2025
Learning a New Language-
My body has been trying to tell me something for years, but I kept interrupting the conversation. A few weeks ago in somatic therapy, I realized I've been speaking the wrong language my entire life. I am pretty sure my nervous system was all clogged up with all my life experiences and yes trauma, deep deep trauma that my cognitive logical brain had no idea existed. My body, my nervous system however, I am recognizing always knew the truth. It knew that horrible things had happened to me and was constantly trying to warn me, protect me or just tell me. Having this realization opened up a whole new way of living for me. Some recent changes that have occurred for me are, I no longer turn to those tried and true ways of keeping all the feelings down. Now I allow whatever feeling is there to just be there.
Feeling Again-
After I did my first session of somatic release, I could feel again. I mean really feel. All of a sudden parts of my body that I haven't even recognized in decades were speaking to me. Now I sit patiently with these feelings and trust my intuition. I have come to believe, by the way, that my intuition is actually my nervous system speaking to me. It really is a new way of living. Now I will tell you, it is not all rainbows and butterflies. In fact most of the time it is quite the opposite. The intense energy I feel sometimes deep in my stomach or stuck like a knot or brick in my chest needs to move out in screams, jumping, or hysterical crying. However, once it does, I feel better, which I take as a win. Another magnificent outcome of all of this listening to my body has been how it translates to my art and healing through expression. You see, expression isn't just visual, even though that is my main focus for experiencing with all of you. Sometimes expression is vocally or through movement. It seems we used to know this intuitively as children, but have lost this connection between our minds and bodies (intuition) along the way. While I will always paint, draw, and color, I now also will dance, sing, run, jump,and sometimes scream to express the energy I feel inside and at this point in my life I am no longer being held back by the survival mode that has been on loop my whole life.
A Breakthrough Moment-
I have had aha moments on many of my ingrained patterns and coping mechanisms. A few weeks ago I realized I had this deep need: to drink one evening. However I also had a deep knowing that this part of me needed something completely different. Something else I have been learning a lot about in the last several months is IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy. Anyways, when I pinpointed that this longing to have an alcoholic beverage was trying to tell me something else I went to my car and spoke to this part of myself. I quickly and painfully realized that there was a deep pain in me that wanted to be expressed, but my firefighter (protector) part came out and said “well it's time to drink so we dont feel this.” However, instead of doing that I sat there in my car with this profound pain and let myself ugly sob until my eyes didn't have anymore tears to squeeze out. This experience I would say was the start to my somatic journey.
Addressing Old Patterns and Choosing Myself First-
After this extremely heart-wrenching time, other excruciatingly painful memories arose in my body and then I made the appointment for somatic processing. Since I have done that more of my “getting by survival strategies” have to come to light. Little by little I am addressing these in a different way with a new language. I no longer go for that drink as soon as that pain arises. I no longer reach for coffee first thing in the morning to feel like a person. Best of all I am continually practicing tuning into my needs, my body before allowing myself to be swept up in everyone else's. I did not touch on this earlier in this entry, But battling codependency and always taking care of everyone else has been my most profound and masked struggle my whole life. Now I am choosing not only to take care of myself, but to truly be honest with myself about where I am at and what I need. My healing journey is not perfect, it is messy with lots of twists and turns and even pitfalls. However, as long as I am honoring my true nature I know I'll increasingly grow closer to who I really want to be. Who I was made to be.
The Beautiful Mess of Being Human-June 2025
Where do you feel held, loved and never alone? -
This past month has been a lot of reflecting on different things. I had a list a mile long of topics to reflect on for this entry. However, feeling the motivation to write alluded me. Then I was listening to a podcast where Dr Lisa Miller asked this question, “Where do you feel held, loved, and never alone.” This quote struck me because I have always had a place deep inside myself knowing this. I can remember many times growing up where I thought I was completely broken, you know those heart wrenching deep sobbing moments when the pain of whatever your circumstance feels unbearable? Yes I know we have all been there. Anyways, every time I have been in those moments, I could feel the peace in the moments between sobs. There was always something ‘holding” me.
The Voice that Never Gives Up-
Something that happened to me several years ago comes to mind when thinking about all of this. It was when I was going through my divorce. First of all there were a lot of pivotal times in the process that proved to me that I had a strong spirit. One in particular was when I finally decided to leave for good and call it quits. I honestly do not remember all the intimate details that led to this point of no return. But one thing I do remember is crying and praying for some sort of answer. All I know is I knew I could no longer stay. After that I went through many trials as most people do who go through a divorce and custody issues. During this incredibly difficult time there was a voice inside me that said “they cant kill your spirit.” The reason I bring this up is because now several years later I realize that voice has always been there encouraging me on my path to never give up on myself. Now where I am in life with this business ‘heal through expression’, I feel that spirit that was always fighting more alive than ever inside of me. I can look back and say with complete confidence that this spirit has always been there holding me and urging me to continue walking. My purpose in sharing these delicate parts of my life and soul with you is to show you a real messy authentic journey of how I got to where I am.
The Beautiful Mess of Authentic Expression -
In my last blog entry I discussed the Terror barrier I faced in believing that I can be structured and organized and run a business and the belief in myself that it took. Also the deprograming and letting go of limiting beliefs it took. Well for this one, I had so many ideas, from working through childhood trauma, to the way my artistic expression mirrors my journey, to breaking free of perfectionist tendencies. However, this morning when I sat down to narrow it down what came out was this exploration of love and feeling held. I guess what I really want to convey is that through believing in the strength of my spirit and trusting the flow of life, I have felt held. This journey of creating this business in hopes to share it with the world has not been an easy one. It requires a gut wrenching, hands sweaty and shaking amount of vulnerability. Honestly I think vulnerability is one of the scariest words for humans, yet also the answer to discovering our true selves and how we are all connected to something greater and each other. It is also the true answer to a fulfilling life. I believe this to my core. When I started this business I didn't want people to perceive that I have it all together. I want people to see me going through the chaotic process of healing right alongside them. The truth is that everything in life worth having or experiencing is a bit chaotic and all over the place. Just as is this piece of writing. I am sure you are wondering “what is her point?” “Where is she going with this?” Honestly that is kind of the point.
All the Ideas That Want to Be Born-
I’ll start again, when i started writing this I had so many ideas. I’ll jot some down and yoiu can get a glimpse of what this process has been like. Here are just a handful-
"The Paradox of Creative Resistance: Why We Avoid What We Love"
"Vulnerability as a Creative Pathway"
"Breaking Free from Perfect Conditions: Creating in the Midst of Life"
**The Hidden Parts of Personal Growth** -
**Breaking Intergenerational Patterns** -
**Spiritual Growth and Inner Child Work**
So maybe this entry is about exploring or touching on each of these. By the way the list was much longer.
Refusing to Be Contained-
I notice the irony in how I approached thinking about and planning this reflection - with a neatly organized list of potential topics, hoping one would emerge as 'the one' to create a tidy, focused piece. Yet the authentic me isn't compartmentalized like that list. My thoughts, like my healing journey, spill across boundaries and resist being contained in perfect paragraphs. And perhaps that's exactly the point - that in refusing to force my expression into a polished package, I'm demonstrating the very freedom I hope to help others find.
Facing my Terror Barrier-May 2025
The Terror Barrier: What It Is
Being new in this entrepreneur field, I have had several revelations. Something new I learned about recently is this thing called the terror barrier. Have you heard of this? My description of it is this imaginary wall set up to keep me comfortable, in my comfort zone. Google describes it this way, “a psychological obstacle, or an illusion, that arises from our subconscious fears and keeps us from taking action towards our goals.”
The Artist Within: Expression as Healing
I started my business, PolychromaticPaintPhoenix last year in January after quitting my job as a caseworker for DHS. I knew I wanted to continue helping people, but I wanted to do it my own way. From an early age, I harbored a profound desire to help others, a passion that burned as brightly as my love for creating visual art. Despite my love for painting and drawing, I struggled with confidence, hesitating to share my creations with others. Self-expression was, and still is a cherished value of mine, yet I often found myself retreating into the safety of my room where I could find solitude with my thoughts and create pieces free from judgment. I discovered that my painting and drawing was an outlet for articulating emotions I did not have the words for. I knew when I quit my DHS job I wanted to bring my passion for expression to the community around me. Over the last year I have held various workshops for children and adults about understanding ourselves better, loving ourselves more profoundly, and expressing our deepest feelings. My passion for doing these things runs deep in my soul. I have been overjoyed at the experiences I have had and all the people I have met.
Building Community, Expanding Connections
Over the last month I realized my dreams go deeper. I want to create a community of fearless people who can come together to express themselves and push past their comfort zones. This brings me back to one of the challenges I have faced while doing this work. I realized that I am very good at a specific set of skills: Doing these workshops, coming up with topics to explore in these workshops, talking about what I do. This is all well and good. However, in the last month or so I was brought back to my vision and dreams and also realized something else about my dreams. I realized that a core part of me wanting to start this business is to meet as many people as I can and have profoundly meaningful connections, experiences and conversations with them. This epiphany was startling to me at first. I was made aware that I have some very limiting beliefs that hold me back from this goal.
Confronting Limiting Beliefs
You see, when I first decided to leave my DHS job and open this business I had to confront and come face to face with the fact that my own beliefs are what hold me back from achieving what I want. So over the last year I have sort of made it my mission to uncover these mindsets, break through and rewrite them to shape the life that I truly dream of for myself. The very first subconscious hold on me was my fear of being seen and my belief that wanting to be seen is selfish. The truth is that everyone wants to be seen on a soul level. Everyone wants to feel connected to others when living out their true essence. Even though this limiting mindset had held me back, once I identified it I was able to start putting myself in positions to be seen and off to the races it was.
My Journey from Structure to Freedom and Back
A little over a year after this discovery I made a new one. To understand this new one I will give some background information. Pretty much my whole life I have struggled with routine and structure. I was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age, I think that has something to do with it. Not only have I struggled with that, but I have also struggled with the exact opposite, chaos and unpredictability. It seems that I have always been one way or the other. Well, for most of my young adult life I was the orderly over structured OCD leaning person. However, in recent years the pendulum has swung and I have been the opposite. In this time I have truly enjoyed my free spirit and carefree nature that I had as a kid again. I imagine you think that is the end of the story, but it is not. Since starting my business, I quickly recognized my carefree footloose and fancy free way of life didn't feel like it would cut it to keep up the “business” side of my dream. Recently through lots of podcasts, books, and self reflection on this I realized I need to change my habits or non habits a bit to really move forward with this dream. So I started to set more goals for myself and looked into all the fun business tools to help me stay organized such as, Roadmap, mindmap, flow charts, and more. At first this was exciting and felt like a good idea. However, I shortly became incredibly overwhelmed, almost paralyzed with panic.
Moving Forward: Vulnerability as Strength
I discovered exactly what the terror barrier really is and how the program I have been running in my mind for so long hasn't been serving my best interest. I know now it is time for a paradigm shift. I share this journey on the road to understanding myself so that I can hopefully help others understand themselves, break out of their comfort zones, confront their terror barriers and start shifting into the reality they want.For me it has not been easy. I am certain that I will face many more of these moments along my journey. I plan to share these with you, to open my heart and confront my own vulnerable pieces. My hope is that this helps you all do the same and then we can come together to support and encourage each other along our own paradigm shifts!